How to cook your husband!
Before reading I want to make sure everyone is aware that this is a completely fiction piece and is not meant to be taken seriously!
Ladies, is your husband always yelling at you to do the basic housewife things? Do you feel trapped in your own home? Well, if so, this recipe is the one for you! Today, we are going to be making a pot pie, the classic dinner meal! We will need quite a bit of ingredients for this recipe, including, mixed vegetables of your choice, pie crust, a misogynistic husband, and an empty stomach! Before we get started, let’s focus on the situation at hand. If you are sure you want to do this, just remember you can’t go back. Make sure your hatred for your partner is as strong as his hatred for women doing yard work! Now that we have gotten that sorted out, let’s begin!
First and foremost, we have to kill him! We have to do it cleanly so there is no mess to clean up. Remember ladies, we are trying to get away from cleaning up his clutter! Immediately, we can eliminate killing him brutally with some sort of weapon. That will just be a bloodbath and honestly, who has the time for that. The next option is poison but once again, that simply won’t do! The body will be intact and in perfect condition, but when we go to cook him, it will be toxic and gross. This leaves a quick and easy option of snapping his neck. If you know how to do it, in a few seconds, he will be out like a light! Also, there won’t be any hassle afterwards because the body goes limp immediately. Once you have done this step, there is no going back. He is gone, like your independence since you said “I do”. But unlike him, you can get your independence back!
The next step is a little dreadful and tedious, but trust me it is worth it in the end! Since the body isn’t ready to be cooked yet, we have to clean it. Yes, I know this is a traumatizing word, but don’t forget who we are cleaning for this time. Only the best for us females, right! Anyways, we have to disinfect the body. The best way to make sure that he is completely clean is to bathe him. Scrub off the dirt and grime, and while you’re at it, might as well send those bad memories down the drain as well. At this stage, you might feel regretful, but you cannot forget the hardships you went through since this man first spoke to you. He hid his insidious personality with his charm. Damn those flowers and chocolate he got you on Valentine’s day! Once he is clean, you can move on to the fun part! This part gets gruesome but now you can take out all of your anger on him directly. Go into the garage (yup, take it all in), and find his tools that he would never let you touch. Take your pick Maybe his favorite saw, or the axe that was too heavy for a pretty lady like you. I recommend the tool with the most emotional build up, it makes this step feel a lot better. Now you can go absolutely crazy on his body. I won’t go into too much detail for my sensitive readers, but in the end he should be in small pieces. Remember, not too small though. We don’t want his size to disappoint us a second time. Do the same with the veggies and align the pie crust in your favorite pan. We are almost done ladies! Just a few more steps and a delicious meal will be served, along with happiness and freedom!
Now we have to assemble the pie. This part is pretty easy but here are some tips to perfect it! First, we have got to make sure to SEASON the meat. We don’t want his bland personality to come through. That would be a tragic ending considering all the work you have done! Also, another tip is to brush the pie crust with butter. The butter makes the crust flakey and sweet. Lastly, I recommend decorating the crust that covers the pie, so when it comes out of the oven, it is as pretty as you. You can cut out a bow or a broken heart. Whatever you choose, make sure it looks better than your husband’s excuses after a long night with the boys. Once you think your pie is perfect, go ahead and put it in the oven at 350 degrees for 40 minutes. During this time there are a number of things you can do. I recommend getting every item that reminds you of your troll of a husband and burn it! I find collared shirts make for a good fire starter. Another option is to simply sell everything. Ladies, might as well make some bank right? You can throw out all the beers that he insisted on keeping in the fridge, but never let you have any. I find that ripping him out of every photo in the house makes for a great confidence booster. Honestly, it makes you realize how much he resembled a gremlin. In this free time you can explore whatever you want. Try to find something to satisfy you, since he never could.
When the pie is done, carefully take it out of the oven and get the table ready. Today is a little different because you only need to set the table for one person! Weird, right? Don’t worry, you will get used to it. Now for the fun part! I recommend serving with a cup of rosé and a positive mindset! It’s time to thank all of the women who needed to be set free for this meal. Justice has been served, and it’s on your favorite gold plate! Now think of all the times where your husband said “women belong in the kitchen”. Who’s in the kitchen now?
